Betty’s Cocktail Biscuits

i hate to cook book peg brackenFrom a chapter of Peg Bracken’s “I hate to cook book” entitled “Canapés and Heartburn Specials; or – WHO STARTED THIS BUSINESS?”. Good old Peg. Her book is full of recipes involving condensed mushroom soup and packets of French Onion Soup Mix and cheery disdain for people with “fat cookbooks”. Peg seems to live in a constant hair-pulling whirl of party invites populated by people called Ethel who “deep-fat fry small objects or wrap[] oysters in bacon strips”. My book comes complete with someone’s scrawled notes over it in pencil, which get increasingly exasperated as the pages turn, like, “what IS this?!?!?!?!?!?” and “NO“, and “try my frozen onion mix”. Whole party selections are crossed out, like Previous Reader just couldn’t stand it anymore.

Heartburn specials refer to “another wellknown essential – the snack in the wee small hours…. there are two kinds of late-snack invitations. One is the sort that a cheerful husband proffers the dance floor whilst the band plays ‘Good Night Ladies’. “Lesh all come over t’our housh for shcrambled eggsh!”. The other is a “community habit” which we can disregard, and Previous Reader has mostly crossed out. Lesh all come over t’our housh for shcrambled eggsh! This invite NEVER HAPPENS. Why can’t it even happen?? How many poorly heads would be saved after debauched sessions on the warm brown stuff if we all just had communal shcrambled eggsh… anyway – woah – onto the recipe in all it’s glory.

don’t they look yummy?


makes about 40. (not sure i got 40 at all, can anyone be arsed to count the picture).

Mix together
1/2 cup flour, 1/4 cup butter, 1 jar processed onion-cheese spread or bacon-cheese spread

Now shape it into a neat roll, wrap it in waxed paper and refridgerate it. When it’s firm, slice as you would biscuits, and bake at 400 for ten minutes. Don’t bother to grease the pan.

– “processed onion-cheese spread” – OK, so to our UK reader, this means Primula, and in this country, we don’t HAVE ‘bacon cheese spread’ or ‘onion cheese spread’, so a tube of regular old primula. Cheese in a tube. Dirty. I assume that a tube is the same amount as a jar…


These were REALLY NICE. And they even LOOK delicious. Check out that glorious golden hue! I aim for this hue, and fail, with so many ‘proper’ recipes that it almost HURTS. Shows me for being a hater of the Primula. If it didn’t have Primula in it I would even consider making them again. Lovely and moist and light, scoffed rapidly by guests. Processed cheese wins. I didn’t expect ever to be typing this… who wins?? We are all winners/losers/aragragrharafjakfj MELTDOWN. I might even make these AGAIN. You heard!! Someone call me a priest…

posted by Sarah

4 responses to “Betty’s Cocktail Biscuits

  1. dude! you can totally get primula with ham in, or primula with chives in, which i reckon would fit the bill.

    mmmm, primula…

  2. Blee, squeezing the Primula from the tube on this one felt so dirty and wrong yet SO SATISFYING.

  3. I bet you could use a tub of dairylea or laughing cow instead too, which would save squeezing from a tube. But maybe that spoils the fun?

    I fear the prawn flavour primula. They did a chocolate one for a while. It was GRIM.

  4. Chocolate flavour primula ‘cheese’?? No, you’ve got to be kidding me. No. NO!!