Crunchy Alphabet Burgers

Recently I was given a magical, amazing book, possibly one of the best in my collection. I can find no date of publication but I’d guess it’s eighties. It’s the Bird’s Eye Cooking from the Freezer book and my God, does it have some awesome recipes in it.


Just look at her! Fondling sliced cheese (probably not from the freezer) with one hand, and stirring what I suspect is an empty pan on the hob, all the while grinning manically to the camera in her hilarious apron. It’s unclear what she’s making, but it calls for a lot of onions. And mushrooms. And some kind of Morrocan lamp. This is what ABBA would have looked like if they weren’t ABBA. And there was only one of them.

The section ‘What is cooking from the freezer?’ explains that the object of the book is to ‘take the mystique out of owning a freezer’, and I think we can all emphasise when it says ‘Let’s face it, even the smallest freezers look dauntingly big when they’re empty!’

There follows, before the recipes, some promotional text explaining why Birds Eye products are the best on the market, and some nice pictures of a ‘Pea viner in action’ and ‘A modern day freezer trawler’, followed by a section ‘Making the most of your freezer (Where should you keep it?, What should you buy?, How long will it keep in the freezer?) and the phone number for the ‘Birds Eye Freezeline’ where Birds Eye’s team of freezer specialists are on hand to help with any issues not covered by the book (telephone Walton-on-Thames 24071, Monday-Friday 9am-5pm).

The recipe I constructed was from the Kids section.

Even by my standards this is basic. The picture in the book is this:

Nisa was able to sell me Birds Eye frozen quarter pounder burgers, a packet of Walker’s Ready Salted and some Heinz Spaghetti Hoops. I was disappointed that they did not sell Alphabetti Spaghetti but if you think about it Spaghetti Hoops are simply an Oulipian approach to Alphabetti Spaghetti. My dinner would be constrained to only using the letter O, in a lipogrammatical move that possibly even Georges Perec would have baulked at.

The finished dish looked like this:

There was quite a lot of sauce in the Spaghetti Hoops, so this was more like soup with burgers and crisps on it. It was really nice. It probably has no nutritional merit whatsoever. I’ll make it again.

O’d by Alix

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7 responses to “Crunchy Alphabet Burgers

  1. Amazing!

  2. OooooOOOOOoooooo!

  3. I like you.

  4. For poor folk only: trod down or told not to shoot. Honor thy food; too good!

  5. I could use some of those Os for my forthcoming production of the tragedy “Uthelleau, The Venetian Black Man”

  6. That’s Christmas lunch sorted then

  7. I am entertained to no end by the subtle differences in American and British convenience foods. Heinz Spaghetti Hoops? Weird.
    Also, I would really enjoy that cookbook.